As I helped him load his car and kissed him goodbye I had mixed emotions; excitement, extreme pride in my husband, and then I also felt partly anxious.
What did this mean? CalFire employee? Not many days off? Basically gone for the whole fire season? Ok so this means a big change. But wait, is it really that much of difference from the station he was at that happened to be right up the road from us? Well, kinda I mean he's far away and will be going on more calls than he did at the other station that was pretty slow. But does this give me MORE of a reason to worry? It shouldn't but it did. I worried simply out of my own selfish, negative, uncalled for thoughts.
But this is what got me thinking deeper. As I crawled back into bed to sleep for the little time I had before my alarm would go off for work I was struck with a realization that from this moment on, life as I know it wouldn't be the same. Was this a bad thing? Absolutely NOT! I mean, this is what Kyle and I have been praying for and it happened! But, just because something is a good thing, it doesn't mean that it is an easy thing to do or experience.
My husband won't be coming home for who knows how long. He can be held on shift as long as they want him to be. As I laid there beginning to freak myself out with thoughts like "oh my gosh, what if he gets sent to a fire and something happens? what if the man that I love more than anyone on this earth is taken from me?" I then corrected my thinking with "Seriously Ashley, come on...this is not the time or place to be thinking so negatively. Are you really going to have these fears when what you've prayed for was answered and given to you? Are you really going to lay here and let thoughts sink in so deep to the point where you get yourself so worked up that's all you can think about?" NO!
So I began to pray "Lord, calm my heart, calm my husbands heart."
I knew at that moment, when I felt an extreme sense of peace, this is Kyle's calling, his passion, a job that God has called him to; and if God has called me to be his wife, I am also called to be strong, supportive, positive, encouraging but most of all confident in the fact that Christ knows our hearts, our fears, our desires.... And no matter what happens, there is nothing I can do to change the reality of a "change" in life. God tells us to "entrust our loved ones to Him" How can He possibly show us His plan and will for our lives when we are trying so hard to keep a firm grasp on something that we have no control over!? HE CAN'T.
So this is what led me to think even MORE!
The day I married this amazing, loving, selfless, kind, genuine, good looking, God fearing man...I married change. I married someone that I promised to commit my life to, to love and support, but most of all...live life side by side embracing change with him. I married a firefighter. This means that holidays, birthday's, anniversaries, or planned events aren't always going to happen on those specific days. This means that life will be calm one moment and possibly completely hectic the next. This means that depending on what he experiences on one of his shifts could bring change to our relationship.
Needless to say, that morning I restlessly laid there, I made the decision to be strong, to not think negatively, to be positive and do my best to be that encouraging wife my husband NEEDS me to be. He doesn't like being away from me just as much as I don't like him being gone. He has to face things that most people can't even handle thinking about, he has to watch death, smell death, work hard and not stop until the fire is out. He has to sacrifice his life every time he responds to that call. I know that's not easy for him. Does he complain? nope. Does he ever talk about how hard the job is or how nasty a call was? nope. He is humble, and passionate about what he does. So what gives me license to be the negative one? Absolutely nothing. I have no ground to think such things and let it affect my attitude so much to the point where I am failing at my job to be that supportive, encouraging wife he needs me to be.
So this is what made me realize that in order for me to fulfill my job as a wife, I need to embrace any change and appreciate it for what it is. Life is short, and we don't know what the future holds, so instead of thinking about all the bad things that COULD happen, think about the good and be thankful for the time we do have. Change is inevitable, life is simply sand slipping through our fingers... all of it is in the hands of God.
So as I sit here and write out these thoughts, I am happy to realize that Kyle and I have made it one week so far of him being gone. As of right now, we don't know when his next day off will be, or what station he will be shuffled to next. But I do know that change is a beautiful thing, and I can tell you right now, my marriage is stronger than it was yesterday, or last monday when I was laying in bed worrying about the negative things life could possibly bring our way.
When I see Kyle's awards from his academies he's gone through, his badge, his uniform or his dirty boots, I am reminded that I am blessed to be married to a man that has worked hard to get where he's at. Worked hard to provide for us and make a good living so we can start a family someday. I am blessed to be married to a man that adores me and wants to live everyday of life that we have together.
Here's to making a conscience effort to be strong, supportive, encouraging, and appreciative of "change" on a daily basis.
Ashley, this was the best advice, encouragement, motivation, words of wisdom, and thoughts of The Lord I have ever read. I love you for all that you are and alway reminding me The Lord is really there because I wasn't raised in that aspect so it's hard and I forget when I shouldn't.
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