As I am struck with many emotions and have been for
the past 3.5 months of my life, I've come to the conclusion that a way for me
to express my heart is to write. Though it's not always smooth or worded
accurately, I feel like it's a way to express my feelings and ramble without
talking someone’s ear off, and quite honestly bring me to realizations that I
may not have come to if it weren't for writing out my thoughts and
opinions.
As most of our friends know, Kyle and I have been married for close to
1.5 years. We are very involved with our church, working in youth
ministry, our jobs, and of course maintaining our marriage which is the
greatest gift I’ve lived so far. J I
couldn’t be more blessed to live life alongside my husband.
Though this blog is one that some may find offensive, I want to bring up
the topic of pregnancy. Once again,
something all our family and almost all our friends know, Kyle and I are so
thrilled about welcoming our first baby this upcoming January. Now, please know that my heart is not to
offend, anger or add to the hurt some are feeling and especially to those who
have empty wombs. To those who are
struggling with miscarriage, infertility or whatever, please know this is not
meant to offend, I am writing this in love and have no intention of hurting
you.
Finding out I was pregnant May 19, 2015 was the most exciting day of our
lives set aside our wedding day. Yet
there was a large part of me that was struck with guilt and insecurity. Why? Well lets put it this way, imagine having
friends and a sister that have been trying to conceive for years, you get
married after them, hear their hearts hurt and longing desire for a baby and
then you find out you get pregnant without even trying before they ever
conceive.
Please know, I would not change this for anything, it’s amazing being
pregnant, loving and getting so attached to a life that isn’t even fully
developed yet or one that you’ve not yet met.
PURE, INNOCENT EXCITEMENT AND JOY. Nothing beats that feeling. Nothing
can take that joy. So I thought.
Now for me, my joy was also mixed with the feeling of guilt and hurt
because I knew that breaking this exciting news to my best friend, my older
sister whose heart longs for a baby would probably be one of the hardest
subjects I would ever have to discuss with her.
And not just to my sister, also to the couple of friends that are also
struggling with infertility. But MY
sister? God, why? Kyle and I prayed from day one of us being married the Lord
would bless my sister and her husband with a child before us simply so we
didn’t have to be put in a situation which quite honestly is awkward and hard
to know how to deal with because the last thing we want to do is add to their
hurt. But, God’s timing isn’t always what we best see fit. With so much
excitement, Kyle and I couldn’t help but fear what their reaction would be and
what that would do to our sibling relationship.
My sister has always been my closest friend, the person that I go to
with everything, my confidant, aside from my husband, the person that knows
everything about me. Likewise for her.
We know each others deepest secrets, hurts, and joys. To know that my sister has been hurting for
going on two years, longing for that life to be within her struck me hard. Watching someone you care about so deeply
hurt with so much pain is awful. To top it off, not being able to fix that
situation or make any part of it better makes it even worse. It almost instilled a fear in my heart that
made me think prior to being pregnant “what would happen to my sister if I were
to get pregnant before her? What would be going through her head? Would our
relationship be severed?”
Well, lets fast forward to the day I sat my sister and her husband down
in the comfort of their home and broke the news to them that Kyle and I are
expecting. I was alone while telling
them, Kyle and I thought it best to tell my sister when she was at home and at
a time where her husband could be there to comfort her if need be. Which due to
Kyle and her husband having opposite schedules, that left me to tell them by
myself.
The nerves that ran through my entire body, the shakes and heart racing
anxiety I felt not knowing how this would affect my sister brought me to tears
several times before I even sat down to tell her. Finally, it was out, they
just found out that they were going to be auntie and uncle. That’s supposed to
be exciting, right? That shouldn’t bring anyone to tears?...right?
Well, bless my sister and husband, they were able to smile and hug me
and tell me they were excited. But the
hurt in my sister’s eyes was unbearable, it brought me to tears and eventually
her to tears as well. I thought to
myself “God, please give me the wisdom and strength to know how to comfort her
in this pain that I’ve now increased in her life.”
I have to admit, and once again please know, this is not out to get
attention or to make it a poor me thing, or take away from the pain those feel
when dealing with infertility. Yes, I
will never know how that feels and I praise God I don’t have to experience that
pain. But on the flip side, it’s painful
for those who are pregnant and care so deeply for those who can’t be
pregnant. It’s hard to not carry a sense
of guilt in a time that’s supposed to be the most exciting time of your life. When
you see or hear them say how unbearable it is for them to see pregnancy
announcements, go to baby showers or see people with 4 or 5 kids getting
pregnant again…the list goes on really hits hard and strikes a pregnant woman
with a guilt that is hard to know how to cope with.
You almost feel the need to hide your excitement and not share what’s
going on with your pregnancy with those people. You feel the need basically
“hide” in a sense the fact that you are overjoyed knowing you have new life
growing within you.
My sister, being so sensitive to me and trying her hardest to be excited
and involved has done a pretty good job of doing just that, but I know in my
heart, everyday she hurts.
Kyle and I have had to learn, as hard as it is and as much as we don’t
know how to be around those people when it comes to our level of excitement or
our desires to tell them every detail about this baby, we can’t carry guilt.
Guilt comes from the enemy and really can destroy ones heart. Why should we feel guilty for being excited
for this blessing, this new life? Why
should we feel like we are wrong for getting pregnant before those people?
Well, we’ve learned we shouldn’t. As
hard as it is to let go of that “guilt” feeling, daily we have to remind
ourselves that unfortunately there is nothing we can do but pray for those who
are longing for a baby. We can’t put our lives on hold or carry guilt because
they are going through a time in their lives that’s very painful, but something
completely and totally out of our control.
My heart aches for those people, it also aches because I’ve also been
struck with hurt because of their situation.
Though I know in my heart it’s not their intention to make us feel bad
or guilty, reality is, it has. And that’s not their fault. Just like it’s not
our fault they are struggling with infertility. It’s not fair what either side
has to learn, or feel in that situation.
Our thoughts have raced with things like “if they hadn’t been dealing
with infertility, their reactions, tears wouldn’t be that of pain but joy. And
the comments that came to us from some family and friends that made us feel
like the worlds biggest jerks for getting pregnant before those they know of
that haven’t yet been able to conceive wouldn’t have happened.” In fact there
wouldn’t be one negative aspect regarding this pregnancy. But instead, we have had to learn how to be
sensitive to those people and let their pain, comments, opinions or way of
coping with the news not take away from our joy.
Once again, I will never know the pain or emptiness they feel, but I do
know that being on the flip side isn’t easy.
My sister has done an amazing job of doing her best to be involved and
excited. I am grateful that she is still
just as open and honest with me when it comes to the pain she feels. But, it has definitely taught me how to be
sensitive to her without taking her pain personally or carrying guilt. I’ve seen a few posts from others I know
about not knowing how to be friends with those who are pregnant due to the pain
they feel. Though they do truly care and are excited for us, they have their
own way of how they need to cope with the pain. I will respect that, though not always easy,
God knows their hearts and He knows ours. I have to accept the way they choose
to handle the news without taking it personally or allowing that to take away
our joy, excitement and overwhelming love for this baby.
So, with all that said, to my best friend--my sister and friends who are
dealing with infertility, I wrote this with the most sincere heart and love for
you. Please know this is not to increase
your pain or strike you with guilt. But
also know that those who are pregnant are not out to make it harder on you or
be insensitive to your pain. You are
loved, prayed for daily and cared about deeply.
Please understand that being on the flip side isn’t easy either.
As one of my dear friends says often who also is dealing with the pain
of infertility, “God is the giver of all life”.
I couldn’t agree more. I also
want to add to that statement, that He also knows our inner most being, our
hearts longings and desires. I strongly
believe that He too will bless those whose wombs are empty and long for that to
be filled. Love to you all who struggle
with infertility, and to those who are pregnant and have friends that struggle
with infertility. I pray daily for those
who deal with either side, that they find wisdom and peace to know how to deal
with the situation, and a heart that knows how to be sensitive to the ones who
hurt so deeply. I too am still learning how to deal with this.
My heart is full, though heavy, I trust and know that God has a plan for
all things. Even the ones that seem
impossible to overcome. He is, the giver
of life.
