"Oh misty eyes, I see fire and smoke"

September 9th, 2015 just an ordinary Wednesday.  My husband Kyle was off shift, we spent half the day enjoying being home with each other for a change.  As the afternoon went on, we got ready to head to some friends house to watch their kids so they could go on a date night.  As we drove along our road we saw a smoke plume that appeared to be close, so we called to find out where the location of the fire was.  We were told it was on Butte Mountain in Jackson...a good distance from our home and nothing to fret about. 

As we played with our friends kids outside their home we noticed the smoke plume was getting bigger, the sky was getting darker and deep inside I was fearful that somehow that fire that seemed "so far away from our home" wasn't going to stay far much longer.  Another hour or so passed and Kyle received a phone call from his sister letting us know that he needed to get home because the fire was 3 nautical miles from our home.  Well, we carpooled to our friends home, so he left and I stayed back with the kids.  By the time Kyle had gotten to hwy 26, which leads to our road, law enforcement had already closed it due to the fire being too close.  Thankfully Kyle had his CalFire uniform in his car so he was let through.  Once he got to the house he could see the fire a couple ridge lines over from our home.  So at that point he knew we would need to start packing and prepare to leave our home.  Kyle called me and told me I needed to get home and would have to drive the back way to get in, so long story short my sister who lives right around the corner from our friends came to stay with the kids and I took her car to go up to our house.  

It took me nearly an hour to get home due to me having to drive the back roads to get there.  That night we stayed up until about 11:30 PM watching the fire creep closer and closer our direction.  Thankfully Kyle was in contact with a firefighter he used to work with and was able to get updates from him to let us know the fire activity and if we would need to evacuate or not.  By the time we went to bed, we were told that the wind had shifted and we should be in the clear.  Well, lines went down that night and our phones lost service, it was pretty spotty so receiving and sending text messages was a challenge.  We woke up at 6AM the next morning only to wake to thick smoke and ash falling from the sky making appear like it was a beautiful snowy morning.  We then drove up to our neighbors house to their lookout to see just how close the fire was but the smoke was too thick and we really couldn't tell where it was at.  After spending a little time there we decided that it be best we leave.  So we loaded Kyle's car and my sisters with what we had packed.  As I shut our front door, my heart sank, my eyes filled with tears and I realized this may be the last time we ever walk out that door.  The door that lead into what we called home, the walls that made us feel secure, the structure that we put so much time and effort into making it what we wanted it to be, the place where we started our marriage and family, the home we looked forward to bringing our first baby who is due this upcoming January home to...the place that we felt most comfortable at. 

As we left in a rush to beat the flames, we went to the Jackson Airport where our family has our family business.  We weren't the only ones in our family with our home possibly being at risk.  Kyle's dad who lived in the main house on the same property as ours also evacuated, as well as Kyle's uncle who lived five miles up the road from us.  The airport hangar became the place we would stay until we could get back up to our property to find either devastation of our homes or the slim chance that a miracle happened and they still be standing. 

The next two days seemed to drag, the not knowing of our homes conditions, and being able to see the glow of the fire at night from the airport left us feeling as though there was no hope.  But Kyle and I chose to do our best to cling to a small glimpse of hope, we didn't want to let the emotion of our homes being lost hit us until we saw our property for ourselves.  Though maps and news didn't prove much hope to be true, we still wouldn't believe our home was gone until we saw it for ourselves. 

The day finally came, September 12, 2015--the sky was still thick with smoke, which had spread to all the surrounding counties of where the Butte Fire was burning. With being pregnant the smoke was really started to affect how I felt, I was getting sick and feeling really light headed.  So as Kyle, his two sisters and dad prepared to make the drive up to the property. We thought it best I stay back because if the smoke was this thick at the airport, what would it be like at the property?  The time drug on as I patiently awaited a phone call from Kyle to update me on the status of our home.  Finally, my phone rang but it wasn't Kyle, it was actually our Pastor Mark and assistant Pastor Logan who had driven up to our property to try and find out for us the condition of our home. With how quickly and how much the fire burned over the past three days, none of us were sure if we would be able to get through roads and up to our home.  So Mark and Logan had been driving all day trying to get to the homes of other church members to check on the status of the homes, as well as ours.  They had beat Kyle and our family to the property--not knowing that Kyle and our family would be at the property within five minutes of them calling me.  It was a phone call I will never forget, the news that was hard for them to give me i'm sure left them feeling just as sad as I was.  That hope that we clung to was shot down, and the reality of "home" being completely gone hit me like a freight train, but in the midst of that emotion the old hymn Peace Like a River kept playing through my mind... "When sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, it is well with my soul." 

Within minutes of getting off the phone with Mark, Kyle called me and he said something to me that I will never forget, and that was "Baby, I know you already talked to Mark, but this isn't the time that we break. This is the time that we need to rejoice because if we start breaking now then we aren't going to get through this. We need to cling to the promise of God's will and find peace in all of this.  We have each other, our daughter on the way and our family is safe."  

I'm not quite sure how he was so strong in that moment or how he kept it together because I was a blubbering mess on the other end of the phone.  When I hung up, those words he said to me so softly played over and over in my head and made me start thinking even deeper. 

What really matters? How much time and effort do we put into "things" that make us happy, into a structure that makes us feel secure? Have an amount of love for a place that quite frankly can be turned into ashes in a hot second... So once again I ask, what really matters in your life?  Is it easy to lose your home, the place that you put time and effort into making it "home"? No. Not at all, in fact I've been writing this blog over a course of three days because it's still a hard reality for me that our home and everything that belonged to us is gone. But through all of this i'm realizing that it's ok to find security in your home and find a little happiness in your "things".  But not to a point where that place or those things will determine your happiness permanently.  Our happiness is found in Christ, in our salvation, He blesses us with things like a home, "stuff" and other random things that put a smile on our face.  But ultimately, He gives and He can take away as He sees fit.  Life isn't always going to go in the direction that we want it to go, we aren't always going to have the same home, or things that made us happy.  Reality is, we need to be ok with that, because like Pastor Logan said the Sunday after the fire, "What do you have that a thief or fire can't take from you? Everything, but your faith."  

Are we hurting from the loss of our home? Yes. But through all of this we have seen the hand of God work through all of this.  This has been a huge opportunity for Kyle and I to hold fast to our faith, to walk in our faith and be an example of what we say we believe in.  We aren't the only ones that lost a home. Kyle's dad, his uncle along with hundreds of others in surrounding areas that the Butte Fire touched lost everything. 503 homes were lost in this fire.  We believe that there are 503 different reasons that God allowed this fire to happen, and we will witness each reason eventually.  Seeing the community, churches, surrounding counties and strangers reaching out to those in need has been one reason that makes me ok with this fire taking our home.  Peoples lives have been touched in ways I don't think they saw were possible, including Kyle and I.  We are in awe of the support, care, love, resources and helping hands that have been there and continue to walk this journey with us.  Another blessing I see from this destruction and tragedy is the growth i've seen in my marriage.  Kyle and I have had to be strong for one another, encouraging and supportive in a time of anger and pain in a way we've never had to before.  A fire can strip us of a home and belongings but it can't take our faith or love for each other.  We are walking in victory through this, there will be beauty from these ashes.  

We have a lot of work ahead of us, especially when it comes to the rebuild process, but this we know, we have an amazing testimony to share with others and a lifetime to rebuild what was lost. And if the Lord sees fit for our work and labor to be taken away again, so be it.  It's only a place, stuff and material things that this life has to offer.  My savior offers eternal life.  We were put on this earth to be a witness of His grace and mercy.  

We will always cherish the memories and moments that we shared in our little home that was burned, and i'm sure we will always miss that home.  But as each day passes and we walk in milestone, we are seeing more and more how blessed we are and what a story we have to share with others in hopes that our testimony can be of help to someone else in a time of need.  It's now November 2, 2015...close to two months has already passed since the fire took our home, but what an incredible two months it's been.  We are so excited for these next months to come, especially for the arrival of our daughter, Kinslee Harper.  We hope to be in our new home back at the property by the time she is here, but we will see if that happens ;p For now we will continue to stay in our fifth wheel while the rebuild process takes place.

Kyle and I are excited we will be able to take our baby to the property our home once stood on and show her the journey we've been walking.  The fire may have burned hundreds of acres and homes, but what a beautiful place we get to live in. We are blessed. 

To the ones whose wombs are empty and the ones that are full of life...

As I am struck with many emotions and have been for the past 3.5 months of my life, I've come to the conclusion that a way for me to express my heart is to write.  Though it's not always smooth or worded accurately, I feel like it's a way to express my feelings and ramble without talking someone’s ear off, and quite honestly bring me to realizations that I may not have come to if it weren't for writing out my thoughts and opinions. 

As most of our friends know, Kyle and I have been married for close to 1.5 years. We are very involved with our church, working in youth ministry, our jobs, and of course maintaining our marriage which is the greatest gift I’ve lived so far. J I couldn’t be more blessed to live life alongside my husband. 

Though this blog is one that some may find offensive, I want to bring up the topic of pregnancy.  Once again, something all our family and almost all our friends know, Kyle and I are so thrilled about welcoming our first baby this upcoming January.  Now, please know that my heart is not to offend, anger or add to the hurt some are feeling and especially to those who have empty wombs.  To those who are struggling with miscarriage, infertility or whatever, please know this is not meant to offend, I am writing this in love and have no intention of hurting you.

Finding out I was pregnant May 19, 2015 was the most exciting day of our lives set aside our wedding day.  Yet there was a large part of me that was struck with guilt and insecurity.  Why? Well lets put it this way, imagine having friends and a sister that have been trying to conceive for years, you get married after them, hear their hearts hurt and longing desire for a baby and then you find out you get pregnant without even trying before they ever conceive. 

Please know, I would not change this for anything, it’s amazing being pregnant, loving and getting so attached to a life that isn’t even fully developed yet or one that you’ve not yet met.  PURE, INNOCENT EXCITEMENT AND JOY. Nothing beats that feeling. Nothing can take that joy. So I thought.

Now for me, my joy was also mixed with the feeling of guilt and hurt because I knew that breaking this exciting news to my best friend, my older sister whose heart longs for a baby would probably be one of the hardest subjects I would ever have to discuss with her.  And not just to my sister, also to the couple of friends that are also struggling with infertility.  But MY sister? God, why? Kyle and I prayed from day one of us being married the Lord would bless my sister and her husband with a child before us simply so we didn’t have to be put in a situation which quite honestly is awkward and hard to know how to deal with because the last thing we want to do is add to their hurt. But, God’s timing isn’t always what we best see fit. With so much excitement, Kyle and I couldn’t help but fear what their reaction would be and what that would do to our sibling relationship.

My sister has always been my closest friend, the person that I go to with everything, my confidant, aside from my husband, the person that knows everything about me. Likewise for her.  We know each others deepest secrets, hurts, and joys.  To know that my sister has been hurting for going on two years, longing for that life to be within her struck me hard.  Watching someone you care about so deeply hurt with so much pain is awful. To top it off, not being able to fix that situation or make any part of it better makes it even worse.  It almost instilled a fear in my heart that made me think prior to being pregnant “what would happen to my sister if I were to get pregnant before her? What would be going through her head? Would our relationship be severed?”

Well, lets fast forward to the day I sat my sister and her husband down in the comfort of their home and broke the news to them that Kyle and I are expecting.  I was alone while telling them, Kyle and I thought it best to tell my sister when she was at home and at a time where her husband could be there to comfort her if need be. Which due to Kyle and her husband having opposite schedules, that left me to tell them by myself.

The nerves that ran through my entire body, the shakes and heart racing anxiety I felt not knowing how this would affect my sister brought me to tears several times before I even sat down to tell her. Finally, it was out, they just found out that they were going to be auntie and uncle. That’s supposed to be exciting, right? That shouldn’t bring anyone to tears?...right?

Well, bless my sister and husband, they were able to smile and hug me and tell me they were excited.  But the hurt in my sister’s eyes was unbearable, it brought me to tears and eventually her to tears as well.  I thought to myself “God, please give me the wisdom and strength to know how to comfort her in this pain that I’ve now increased in her life.”

I have to admit, and once again please know, this is not out to get attention or to make it a poor me thing, or take away from the pain those feel when dealing with infertility.  Yes, I will never know how that feels and I praise God I don’t have to experience that pain.  But on the flip side, it’s painful for those who are pregnant and care so deeply for those who can’t be pregnant.  It’s hard to not carry a sense of guilt in a time that’s supposed to be the most exciting time of your life. When you see or hear them say how unbearable it is for them to see pregnancy announcements, go to baby showers or see people with 4 or 5 kids getting pregnant again…the list goes on really hits hard and strikes a pregnant woman with a guilt that is hard to know how to cope with.

You almost feel the need to hide your excitement and not share what’s going on with your pregnancy with those people. You feel the need basically “hide” in a sense the fact that you are overjoyed knowing you have new life growing within you. 

My sister, being so sensitive to me and trying her hardest to be excited and involved has done a pretty good job of doing just that, but I know in my heart, everyday she hurts. 

Kyle and I have had to learn, as hard as it is and as much as we don’t know how to be around those people when it comes to our level of excitement or our desires to tell them every detail about this baby, we can’t carry guilt. Guilt comes from the enemy and really can destroy ones heart.  Why should we feel guilty for being excited for this blessing, this new life?  Why should we feel like we are wrong for getting pregnant before those people? Well, we’ve learned we shouldn’t.  As hard as it is to let go of that “guilt” feeling, daily we have to remind ourselves that unfortunately there is nothing we can do but pray for those who are longing for a baby. We can’t put our lives on hold or carry guilt because they are going through a time in their lives that’s very painful, but something completely and totally out of our control.

My heart aches for those people, it also aches because I’ve also been struck with hurt because of their situation.  Though I know in my heart it’s not their intention to make us feel bad or guilty, reality is, it has. And that’s not their fault. Just like it’s not our fault they are struggling with infertility. It’s not fair what either side has to learn, or feel in that situation.  Our thoughts have raced with things like “if they hadn’t been dealing with infertility, their reactions, tears wouldn’t be that of pain but joy. And the comments that came to us from some family and friends that made us feel like the worlds biggest jerks for getting pregnant before those they know of that haven’t yet been able to conceive wouldn’t have happened.” In fact there wouldn’t be one negative aspect regarding this pregnancy.  But instead, we have had to learn how to be sensitive to those people and let their pain, comments, opinions or way of coping with the news not take away from our joy.

Once again, I will never know the pain or emptiness they feel, but I do know that being on the flip side isn’t easy.  My sister has done an amazing job of doing her best to be involved and excited.  I am grateful that she is still just as open and honest with me when it comes to the pain she feels.  But, it has definitely taught me how to be sensitive to her without taking her pain personally or carrying guilt.  I’ve seen a few posts from others I know about not knowing how to be friends with those who are pregnant due to the pain they feel. Though they do truly care and are excited for us, they have their own way of how they need to cope with the pain.  I will respect that, though not always easy, God knows their hearts and He knows ours. I have to accept the way they choose to handle the news without taking it personally or allowing that to take away our joy, excitement and overwhelming love for this baby.

So, with all that said, to my best friend--my sister and friends who are dealing with infertility, I wrote this with the most sincere heart and love for you.  Please know this is not to increase your pain or strike you with guilt.  But also know that those who are pregnant are not out to make it harder on you or be insensitive to your pain.  You are loved, prayed for daily and cared about deeply.  Please understand that being on the flip side isn’t easy either.

As one of my dear friends says often who also is dealing with the pain of infertility, “God is the giver of all life”.  I couldn’t agree more.  I also want to add to that statement, that He also knows our inner most being, our hearts longings and desires.  I strongly believe that He too will bless those whose wombs are empty and long for that to be filled.  Love to you all who struggle with infertility, and to those who are pregnant and have friends that struggle with infertility.  I pray daily for those who deal with either side, that they find wisdom and peace to know how to deal with the situation, and a heart that knows how to be sensitive to the ones who hurt so deeply. I too am still learning how to deal with this. 

My heart is full, though heavy, I trust and know that God has a plan for all things.  Even the ones that seem impossible to overcome.  He is, the giver of life.

Oh death where is your victory, where is your sting?

"You're in a better place I've heard a thousand times, and at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you."

Death is a hard thing to grasp.  And something I don't think any human will be able to fully understand.  In the past couple weeks some of my closest friends have had to deal with the loss of their father and now hearing about the tragic death of our friend Rebekah has really made me think.
How often so many of us take for granted life, the life of a loved one or friend.  Life is a gift, something so fragile and precious.  Then my mind started thinking even deeper about how important it is to enjoy every second of someone's life because you never know when God is going to call them home. It's so easy to say "See ya later!" to someone, but you never know, that could be the last time you have the opportunity of seeing, embracing and talking to that person.

When I think about death my first thought is "why?" and I feel like so many of us ask that very question when a loved one leaves this earth.  Now, this blog is not intended to be a "preaching at you" type of thing.  But in all seriousness, I can't imagine trying to deal with the loss of a loved one or friend without the hope that is found in Jesus knowing that in Him we have eternal life. I mean lets be real, it REALLY hurts seeing a close relative or friend die, it hurts seeing friends and family mourn the loss of a close relative or friend.

Death causes a deep emotion inside you that initiates thoughts like "it's not supposed to be like this... What if???...My world was normal one minute and now it's completely upside-down." It makes everything else around us seem small and insignificant compared to the loss and heartache we feel.  And how easy is it to blame God and be angry at Him, the one who created that persons life in the first place to then suddenly take it away!! We question His authority and justice and ask WHY!? We question our faith and wonder where was God when all this happened, why didn't He save them!?  But please, let me assure you... God...is...Love....

I know, it's hard to just be okay with a death. It's hard to find comfort in the "just remember the good times..." or that one line people always say "They are in a better place!" I mean, seriously how is that comforting?  Well, if you really think about the truth that we can find in the Bible it really can be.  It's okay to hurt, I mean Jesus wept when He saw how much Lazarus's death hurt his sisters.  And I strongly believe that He weeps alongside those who are experience the loss of a loved one. But see, with Christ we find hope because He has victory over death.  Earth is NOT our home.  He has prepared a place for those who have put their trust in Him.  Romans 10:9-10 tells us "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved."

All of that to say, it's okay to hurt, it's okay to be angry and ask why, and it's okay to admit that knowing the truth doesn't necessarily make it so the pain we feel is any less.  However, our hope in the resurrection can be our foundation for joy and excitement knowing that one day, we too will be reunited with our loved ones who have put the same hope and faith in Jesus Christ.

So here is to the precious lives of our dear friends Greg and Rebekah.
To Greg, a husband, father, grandpa, friend and brother in Christ, thank you for the amazing example you set. You touched the lives of many and are a blessing to all you've come around. You Sir, truly were an inspiration to so many.  Your love for your family and most of all your Savior was undeniable.  You are missed and loved so much, but I praise God that your family and brothers and sisters in Christ will be reunited with you again.
To Rebekah, a daughter, sister, friend and sister in Christ, thank you for always seeing the positive in any situation.  You always had the ability to put a smile on anyone's face and bring laughter to a silent room.  You too my friend will be missed.  But one day, we too will meet again.

John 14:1-4 “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.”

Coming close to one year.

I realized that I haven't done a very good job of keeping up with my blog...not that it really matters...well so I thought.  Just in the last few days I randomly had multiple people come up to me and tell me how much they were encouraged and blessed by my blog.  It blessed me hearing that and made me grateful knowing that even if it's just a few people who read this, it's doing something and giving insight to someone else.  So here I am, picking back up my blog.

March 22, 2014 with an anxious heart full of joy and excitement I got ready to walk down the isle and become a wife to an amazing man.

 My mind raced with all the words people spoke to me during the short six month engagement my husband and I had. "Ashley you are too young to get married! don't do it yet, take some time to enjoy life for yourself!" "Why are you rushing into marriage at such a young age!?" "How do you know he's THE ONE?" "Getting married this young isn't a wise decision, you'll most likely end up getting divorced..." "Oh honey, the first year of marriage is NOT easy, in fact it's probably the worst year of marriage you'll ever have."

Well here's what I have to say about all of those rude, outrageous, unnecessary, most discouraging comments people said to my husband and I during out engagement. Now, I have to say, we did have some really great encouraging comments that I am so grateful for, it wasn't all negative!  But as I write this knowing we have many friends that are preparing for marriage this year, I hope and pray you are all blessed by this.  You guys know who you are ;)

It's January 4, 2015.  we are a little over two months away from celebrating our first year of marriage. and let me tell you, what an amazing, joyful, fun, exhausting, adventurous privilege it's been being a wife to Kyle.  I would be lying if I claimed that it's all been peaches and cream, because believe me it hasn't been.  We've had our tiffs, tears and frustrations, but though the grace of God we got through those little arguments that seemed so big at the time and learned from it.

This is what leads me to talk about a few things that i've learned and how all of those awful comments that were said to us during our engagement is false.  I do realize that every single human beings relationships have differences and challenges that others may not face, but if you have Christ as the center of the relationship, that in itself is a huge common core that has the power to overcome anything!

The first thing that has stuck out to me most since being married is to pick your battles.  What is worth the fight and what isn't.  Something small like getting upset with my husband because he seems to be able to put his dirty clothes anywhere BUT the hamper. It drives me NUTS!!! But, is it worth copping a attitude and arguing over it? Probably not.  Have I gotten mad over it? yes...but I've learned that it's just not important to be so upset over something so small...and since having that realization guess what!? He puts his dirty clothes in the hamper...most of the time :p  It's little things like dirty clothes on the floor or him not offering to scrub the toilets or bathtub more that just doesn't matter!  Lets face it, i'm boarder line OCD and he's...well he just isn't a freak about being as clean as I am.  I've learned that asking my husband in a normal tone of voice and not copping an attitude that is supposedly intimidating, makes it so he is more willing to help me out or change whatever it is that drives me nuts. Patience, a calm tone and communication is KEY to avoiding small little arguments that can turn into something huge.

The second thing i've learned is how doing things with my husband that he just loves means the world to him.  Though it may not be my favorite cup of tea, he likes it and for some reason when I do random things with him that seem totally boring in my mind, it just makes him think i'm one awesome wife.  Things like working in our shop with him on our street bikes when it's 30 degrees outside (or colder) and wrenching on them while my hands and feet freeze.  I love working on the bikes, but not when I'm cold. I hate being cold, hate it...but those moments of bundling up and facing the freezing cold with my husband means the world to him.  Or things like waking up with him at 3:00 AM and making him breakfast and coffee before he leaves to make the long drive to his station. Gross, 3:00 in the morning!? gahhh getting out of my warm cozy bed that is completely embracing me to go make him breakfast and coffee??? yep. just do it, why not? Why not enjoy those little moments and bless him, especially when he is the one getting up to go provide for us and keep the roof that we have over our heads?
Those are only a couple examples of things that aren't really my favorite but have made a difference in our relationship and helped us to grow closer and also see the correlation of how Christ loves us and sacrifices for us.  The importance of keeping God first, husband second and myself last has been something that doesn't just come naturally.  We are all human, strong willed, some more than others, myself being one of them.  Seriously though, it's not easy having that order and maintaining it well without lashing out...it's something that i've found to be a daily choice and something I have to choose to walk in.  I've failed many times, but thanks to the love Kyle has for our Savior he gently corrects me.
Now, I will close with this last realization that i've learned in the past almost year of marriage.  Take PRIDE in your husband correcting you.  It's not fun or easy, but it's worth it and something i've learned to appreciate.  Kyle doesn't take pleasure in correcting me just as much as I don't like it in the moment.  But if he didn't do that, how would I ever know what bugs him or frustrates him or hurts him? In my mind if things go unspoken that's more damaging then enduring a correction and working towards fixing the issue.  God calls the man to be the leader for a reason, and its up to us ladies to realize that and do our best to respect that.  I think that we are allowed to have and voice our opinions but ultimately it's Christ that tells our husbands how something should be or go...including our actions and attitude.

There are many other things that i've realize throughout our marriage, but these three things have saved a lot of heartache and arguments in our relationship.  All of those negative comments that were said during our engagement are invalid and what I believe satan uses to try and rip us apart.  Marriage is beautiful, it's fun, rewarding, exhausting, exciting, and something that is to be worked on daily and cared for.  I am grateful for marrying "at a young age" and "enduring the first year"....it's been an honor an privilege and something that has become my favorite thing about life.  Here's to almost one year and many more to come.